My daughter isn’t old enough to watch much in TV yet. When she does we stick to Noggin or Disney. I don’t get to see what is out for older kids. Nick and Disney seem to have a few unforgettable toons. Most of the other stations still trying to ride the Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh wave that has long since withdrawn and left the shore littered with seaweed and medical waste.
Given all the angry news with AIG, model riots, and rumblings of Pakistani revolution, I wanted to take a break and look on the lighter side. This brings me back to my introduction. Cartoons. Born in ’81, I am a child of the 80s. I grew up watching the Smurfs, many Disney greats, GI Joe, Transformers, all those horridly written classics. I took a little walk down memory lane this morning with an article from Cracked. The article featured the devastatingly evil 80s villains who were foiled week after week by idiotic heroes.
They make a really good argument that these villains should really not be loosing. If one analyzes their various rises to power and methodology, the heroes should at least have some difficulty in thwarting their foes. However they don’t. I’ve got to post the piece about Gummi Bears.
Duke Sigmund Igthorn
The Duke was once a fierce knight loyal to the crown of King Gregor, ruler of Dunwyn. If you know anything about the Middle Ages, you know what kind of shit this guy’s got on his resume: Burning down enemy villages while little babies and peasant girls cried for mercy, collecting skulls for the castle’s towers, going to war and coming back bathed in enemy’s internal organs while bleeding horribly from his own gruesome wounds.
After forging his personality in the fires of cruel knighthood, Sir Igthorn became a duke and began a quest to take over the entire kingdom of Dunwyn. What he lacks in arcane knowledge or demonic blood paths, he compensates with badassery. Also, Igthorn commands a legion of bloodthirsty orcs. We don’t know if you’ve watched enough Lord of the Rings to know this, but you don’t win the loyalty of orcs with kind words. Igthorn, no doubt, killed half of them and tortured the rest until they swore loyalty with bitter orc tears in their eyes.
Who Was He Constantly Losing To?
The Gummi Bears.
Okay, not the actual candies, but the ones in the candy-inspired Disney cartoon.
The story goes that not so long ago Gummi Glen (sigh) was a forest infested with hundreds of Gummi Bears until Duke Igthorn cleared it out, single-handedly. Now, there’s only six left and they are somehow giving him a hell of a fight to keep him from taking over the kingdom.
And how do these stupid bears stand a chance against the bloodthirsty hellspawn known as Ightorn? Because of the Gummi Juice, a substance that gives the Gummi Bears the amazing power of BOUNCING.
Get those things bouncing and a bloodbath ensues
Wait a second. Were they really trying to sell us candy by portraying them as sentient, heroic and lovable? For a toddler, doesn’t that take the fun out of biting their little heads off? Hell, maybe the whole thing was a roundabout pitch to get us to finish the job Igthorn started.
The real shocker is how evil looking some of the villains are. Now I would expect He-Man or Ghostbusters to have some pretty nasty looking baddies. It’s the too cute cartoons that have the most evil looking villains. No Heart from Care Bears could make a Nazgul cry. Teddy Ruxpin villain Quellor had suppressor in his evil organizations name. The worst is Tirek. Tirek is a half man half goat who rides in a “chariot of darkness”. The character really does look a bit like many portrayals of Satan. Which cartoon was he in? My Little Ponies!
Oh those 80s!